24

As I am typing this on my small computer, sitting comfortably in my bed, I feel blessed. I don't always feel it although I am! Constantly blessed. I thought I'd capture the moment in case I forget again how God takes care of me & how He has everything under control. I will come back to this post and read it again whenever is needed. Yes, that's right. YOU ARE BLESSED.

I have my ups and downs, you know. I guess we all do. I hate my downs because they are mostly completely silly & selfish. I would feel ugly & then beautiful in the space of 10 mins. How ridiculous. I would concentrate on negativity instead of focusing on what is amazing in my life. Like my family.

I recently moved into a studio flat. It's the first time in almost three years living in England that I can settle a little bit. I had to buy a pan for instance. I'm the happy owner of a brand new red pan. What is coming next, furniture?! It's lovely here and it was one of my prayers. I wanted a place on my own & heard it was impossible with one salary. Well, this is quite perfect and just big enough for me.

Thank you for taking care of me. 

double two

Twas the night before Christmas....

well, not technically - but it was the 22nd of December, which is very close, let's agree. The protagonist is a girl living on her own in a house. She is going home the next day, taking the plane and as a treat to herself, has booked a facial at a local beauty salon. 

Lots is on her mind as she comes back but inevitably, something is missing from a bag: her house key.

Panic. 

Of the four months living here, not once has she forgotten. 

Bad timing.

She thinks, cries, calls her landlady, all without success. 

She browses the shops, eats out but then, it gets dark. 

She is scared she might not make it.

As a last resort, she knocks at her neighbours' door. 

'Pray, she asks, sobbing, would you have a spare key?' 

Very understanding yet afraid that no, they exhort her to go and ask the neighbours around the corner - 'they might.' 

The girl hopes and trots her way into her next neighbours' garden. Their house is the one she had admired from afar. Fairytale-like by its proportion and shape, that night, it is all highlighted by the glowing decorations.

'Knock, knock, knock.'

An elderly man answers. He listens to her plea and lets her in. Sitting on a sofa, the girl meets his wife - a lovely and soft-spoken grey-haired lady. They immediately make her feel welcomed and listened to. Unfortunately, they do not possess the key but the man calls a friend who might do. They care. They want to help. They remember another friend who lives down the road who knew the landlady's girl well.

'Let's go and ask him'.

A flashlight paves the way and soon enough, the girl and elderly man stand in front of another door.

'Hello, would you not by chance be in possession of a spare key?'

The girl holds her breath.

'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!'

She wants to hug the neighbour and calls him her angel.

He therefore very awkwardly hands her the precious object.

No matter, she is over the moon and able to go home.

Small miracles happen everyday. 

 Three days before Christmas one did.

20 et un

As I stare at the newly formed fat on my otherwise perfectly acceptable thighs, my friend's words come ringing back in my ears : "your body changes every seven years anyway". Laughing it off at the time I now remember. Seven years ago, I was twenty and by what appeared a strange miracle, I had gotten some hips. Not noticeable to the average passer-by but important enough that I had written a little blog entry. I had felt different the way I feel different now. It must be true then! I am stuck with fat. Hello there. How dreadful to finally meet you in the flesh.

New Year's Resolutions:

- Write more. Dare more. Lose that fat.

Wine/Vin/Vingt

Top 5 rubbish things about living on your own:

1. No one to talk to about your day.

2. No one to share a joke, an anecdote, some food, etc.

3. You're the one doing all the chores. 

4. Every random noise scares you.

5. Feeling lonely in general.

 Top 5 great things about living on your own:

1. Singing as much as you want (I am doing lots of vocal exercises in the kitchen while making tea)

2. Spreading your stuff (as a teacher, I really appreciate having the dining room table to myself)

3. Wearing only your underwear in the house if you want.

4. Don't have to wait your turn for laundry. It's always your turn.

5. Naked dance? (enough said)

Anything to add? What would be yours? 

Comment below!

nineteen

Hair  

(not the musical) has (unfortunately) a lot to do with how I feel about myself. Anybody can relate? 

If I feel my hair looks bad, I do not feel ready to face the day in the best way. How vain. It did not use to be that way for me until fairly recently though. As a little girl, I would not even understand the concept of washing my hair until one of my friends' parents made a comment to my mum about it. I vividly remember being forced to splash water and shampoo on it and witnessing in shock some black dirt coming from the result... I was ten and I never did not wash my hair ever again!

I am currently letting my hair grow which can be the most frustrating thing. See, I used to have it short. My golden time for hair. I LOVED IT. I never felt my hair looked bad. Do you know how amazing that is? I never looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was ugly. I used to take pictures of me and thought I was a gorgeous model. Also, I never felt more feminine than when sporting short hair. I felt like a pretty woman. And more importantly, a confident woman. 

I miss it, especially now that I am in the 'passing over the shoulders' phase. The worst phase ever. Flick, flick, flicky hair all around.  Furthermore, the longer the hair, the more care it needs! All I think about is hair (slight over statement)! Pony tails? Braids? Bobby pins? Freeze, mouse, hairspray - get me out of here.  I can't get away with just washing it and let it dry on its beautiful own (also, I have a job now! So double no no turning up with crazy hair to school!) I was always rubbish at using products on my hair (hence short hair) and, at 26, I am learning about it. Thank youtube tutorials!  

I have started to let it grow though and I can't stop now. I want to wait until it is very long again. To prove a point almost. I can't wait to say: 'I have tried long hair again and it definitely does not suit me'.

 Ha. Let's meet again in a year or so.

dix huit

I was recently (meaning just now) thinking (which I should stop doing) about how I (for some reason) cannot stop reflecting on the past year. There is a cure for people who think too much. It's called being active. Having friends, being busy. Which I feel like I have been. Busy. Yet, I keep rumaging on the past, things I should have done, things I should have said. Even saying them out loud on my way home (lame? yes.) 

Stop and look at the future. New leaf.

To be fair though, (my new 'over used in all the conversations I have' expression), it takes time to get over some emotional turmoil (that's right I can use sophisticated words) because it is with time that you realize things you could not before. Wise people say it and wise people are right (unlike regular people).

So yes, in time, my friends, in time. 

Let's wait another five years until something exciting happens, shall we?

(please no)

dis: sept

I am about to finish my year in the north of England to move to my new job in the south. I have very mixed feelings about the whole experience. Because, see, I did not have a good time here. Not because of the place itself, I actually think north of England is lovely, but because of intense work and lack of friends.

People don't like to hear that you spent ten miserable months on your own and that, yes, even looking back, even with some distance, you'll still feel the same way about it. Miserable. People want to hear that you had some bad times but they were overruled by great ones. Well, sometimes it doesn't work that way (and sometimes people suck).

To be honest, I will probably look back at it later on and see how it was not that bad. But the feeling of loneliness and out-of-placeness are unsettling. Adding intense work none stop did not help.  

It is a strange situation to only have collegues and no friends. You meet people for professional reasons and yes, you can be friendly with them but it has its limits. After ten months, I feel my collegues do not know me at all and showed no interest in knowing me. We had the staff summer ball yesterday and it was only more flagrant. 

And out of all the sad things, I think this is the saddest.