dix huit

I was recently (meaning just now) thinking (which I should stop doing) about how I (for some reason) cannot stop reflecting on the past year. There is a cure for people who think too much. It's called being active. Having friends, being busy. Which I feel like I have been. Busy. Yet, I keep rumaging on the past, things I should have done, things I should have said. Even saying them out loud on my way home (lame? yes.) 

Stop and look at the future. New leaf.

To be fair though, (my new 'over used in all the conversations I have' expression), it takes time to get over some emotional turmoil (that's right I can use sophisticated words) because it is with time that you realize things you could not before. Wise people say it and wise people are right (unlike regular people).

So yes, in time, my friends, in time. 

Let's wait another five years until something exciting happens, shall we?

(please no)

dis: sept

I am about to finish my year in the north of England to move to my new job in the south. I have very mixed feelings about the whole experience. Because, see, I did not have a good time here. Not because of the place itself, I actually think north of England is lovely, but because of intense work and lack of friends.

People don't like to hear that you spent ten miserable months on your own and that, yes, even looking back, even with some distance, you'll still feel the same way about it. Miserable. People want to hear that you had some bad times but they were overruled by great ones. Well, sometimes it doesn't work that way (and sometimes people suck).

To be honest, I will probably look back at it later on and see how it was not that bad. But the feeling of loneliness and out-of-placeness are unsettling. Adding intense work none stop did not help.  

It is a strange situation to only have collegues and no friends. You meet people for professional reasons and yes, you can be friendly with them but it has its limits. After ten months, I feel my collegues do not know me at all and showed no interest in knowing me. We had the staff summer ball yesterday and it was only more flagrant. 

And out of all the sad things, I think this is the saddest. 

seize

This is something I started in my head while walking to Morrison's. 

I passed a couple in their late 50s holding hands and an old (and odd) question came back to the the surface of my brain:

Am I too complicated?

Do I know too much?

Would I not appreciate the simple touch

of your hand in mine?

Am I too brainy?

Am I too pretty?

Let me know I prithee

Let me know what I am.

Am I too sad?

Or too hopeful?

Am I too dreamy, a fool, 

a good old fool am I?

Too old?

Not enough satisfied? 

Is it me or you oh how I'd

like to know.

quinze

Today, something quite different.

I am eating my dessert in front of the computer in search of a good series that I haven't watched yet. I suddenly remember an ad on telly about this young female doctor in town that looked quite light-hearted. Not even six minutes into the first episode that I have to stop and write a blog about it. It's not bad, don't get me wrong. It's just full of clichés & tonight, for some reason, I don't go along with it. This girl had a plan. She wants to be a heart doctor in NYC. The plan falls apart. Her boyfriend breaks up with her and she does not get the scholarship of her dreams. Then, she remembers an old man who offered her a job in the middle of nowhere and she decides to go for it. We meet her travelling to this place on a bus, 'a Newyorker in a chanel suit' - obviously not matching the other passengers. First question: why not drive? Second question: why not wear something more comfortable? I am sure not all New Yorkers have a great sense of style or lots of money. Then, the bus stops. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Since when buses stop three miles from a town? I have taken lots of buses in the most random locations and yet, I never had to carry my suitcase behind me in heels through the dusty countryside like the protagonist does. But you all may have already guess why the writers made her do that. That's right. Enter the prince charming character. The oh noble (good-looking, friendly, funny, rich - all this information in 30 secs) young man who, just by a strange coincidence, happens to pass by in his car & is nice enough to offer her a ride. Awww. Sweet, you might think. All I think is: GIVE ME A BREAK people.............

quatorze

The "Five things that make me less girly than I thought I was" article

I consider myself to be a girly girl. It might have taken me longer than some other females (I only bought my hair straightener when I was 23!) but here I am: I love lace, I love skirts, I love hearts and pink and cupcakes. Yet, I lack many aspects of the...princess girly girl. I can name five.

Number 1

 I don't like French manicure and fake nails. I don't like fake in general. Tan, hair and eyelashes that don't belong to me are a no-no & a disgusting look thrown at anyone wearing them. (too harsh?)

Number 2

When I wear high heels, my feet hurt so I don't. Does it make sense? I think high heels are very feminine and  that there is nothing like a beautiful pair of shoes BUT the reality of life comes knocking on my door (not literally, that would be funny) every time I wear some. Sigh. High heels are not everyday shoes. If you're not a model and wear them for a living, there is no use to torture your feet. Also, I am tall and I as attractive as a giant can be, I'll pass.

Number 3

I don't own bling. No sir. Expect for an engagement ring (hint to anyone who wants to marry me), I think it always looks tacky and quite frankly, wrong if you're over 20.

Number 4

I don't wear make-up everyday. Not that I don't need it, it's just nice sometimes to be naturelle. Non? Also, it has taken me time to accept myself the way I am, so why ruin it with make-up? I even sometimes don't wear make-up [insert dramatic music here] to work. Oh no. She didn't. Well, yes I did. When you get up with only 20 mins to go, priority is getting dressed and eating a breakfast.

Number 5

I still don't understand how to have cool hair every day & it annoys me to spend too much time figuring it out. Even though talking about hair is probably one of my favorite subjects of conversation ever (slight exaggeration spotted), all the talking obviously doesn't help the practical side of things! If I have cool hair in the morning - it probably happened by chance.

So here they are. Five things that makes me less girly than I thought I was.

What about youuu?

treize

Somehow at the back of my mind, the idea of writing what's happening in my life keeps me sane. I keep thinking, I need to write, I need to write, I only have one life and if I write it down, it's there, a proof, a small one, that it happened, that I existed for that moment. Writing is always something I enjoyed doing. From as far as I can remember. I dreamt of one day having the guts (and the time!) to write either a novel, a short story, poems, children's tales and having it published. But look at me. I am struggling to find time to eat properly and to keep my life happy and balanced at the moment. Talk about spending time writing. 
That's a bonus, I am telling you that. Yet, I won't give up. It might take time and it might not happen when I want it but it will.

Here is a video one of my colleagues sent me. She thought of me watching it and you will see, it's a compliment. Enjoy.

Ira Glass on Storytelling from David Shiyang Liu on Vimeo.

douze

My new little song! It had been a while!